


Fatalistic

by kracken



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Abuse, Duo angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Language, Lemon, M/M, POV Wufei, Preventers (Gundam Wing), Violence, Yaoi, gallant Wufei, ref. to past abortive 1x2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 05:33:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13851144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kracken/pseuds/kracken
Summary: Chang Wu Fei finds that he has feelings for Duo, but he also finds that he doesn't want them.





	1. Opposites Attract

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. With Kracken's permission, I began manually importing her works to the AO3 as part of an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017.
> 
> side: 1xRelena, 1x2, 3x4, 6xNoinx12, Sallyx5xOC, HildexOC

Why? As I watch Duo Maxwell on the other side of the conference table, making a small chain out of Une's paper clips and clearly not paying attention, I can't answer that question; the reason for my odd attraction to him . I'm not alone, of course, they all find him charming, even Heero, who has little patience for such a personality as Duo's in any other situation. Why do we all make this exception for him? What is there about him that makes a man smile instead of curse and wish him gone?  
  
His eyes are odd, over large and hinting at indigo at times. They slide up from his project, the briefest flicker, that takes note of my regard, and then they are veiled behind lashes the color of his hair, another no man's land that's either brown, or cinnamon, or deepest chocolate depending on the light. Wide shoulders, slim waist, long legs, and hands as common as any mechanic's; blunt, stubby, grease forever buried in the worling pattern of his skin, they worked competently on his chain. He has a face like a devil's imp, all rounded cheek and snub nose, but it's changing, growing sleeker, becoming more the man that he will be all too soon.  
  
I'm the one not paying attention to Une's debriefing, now, and I don't even care. I was there, after all, and the report is mine. It's much more interesting noting that Duo has a small mole just under his chin.I'm the last of the Dragon Clan. I should consider myself bound by duty to ignore my preferences, have as many children as possible, and save the remnants of my family. I'm a scholar, though, and had been one long before I had ever climbed into the seat of a gundam. My mind all too easily cast off those chains. I would not be a link in a long dead anachronism, a dynasty that didn't have any place in a world of elected officials, paper wars, and all too real ones.I was as free as any man to pursue what my heart and body longed for... yet I could still question that attraction, still wonder if it was correct, and still, almost, wish that I would find that attraction for someone more reasonable.  
  
The meeting ended. We all gathered our things and stood as Une moved around the table, departing and looking as if she thought that she had exercised a complete waste of time. Duo grinned at Heero, leaning close to say something that I didn't hear. Heero smirked and nodded and then was gone, following Une. Duo stayed behind long enough to toss his chain of paper clips onto the table near the dispenser where they belonged. His eyes swept up to study me, though, intelligent and thoughtful in his regard.  
  
"Regulations suck," Duo said with a grunt. "These meetings are a waste."  
  
Immature, crude at times, irreverent of many things, undisciplined. My mind tried to latch onto these truths about Duo Maxwell as I noticed how his thick braid swayed as he moved, a heavy rope that begged a hand to take hold of it... if it dared. I wasn't so foolish.  
  
"An organization needs regulations," I found myself saying, nonsense really, because I didn't want to say what was truly on my mind.  
  
Duo gave me a fish eye and then shrugged. "Whatever." and then he was gone, footsteps echoing down the long corridor back into Headquarters. If he had stayed to say something, or to give me a chance to say something, the opportunity had been squandered.  
  
Picking up Duo's paper clip chain, I could feel the warmth of his hand still on it. What could I have said? There are things a man knows, things he hears, and things that come to him casually from others. I didn't really know much about Duo Maxwell personally. I had heard, from reliable sources, that he lived alone and that he had once had trouble with his cat. Rumor was more rampant in it's information. Duo was with Heero, with Hilde, with Sally, with Milliardo, with James in weapons, with... he was gay, he was straight, he was celibate, he was... well, none of it was worthy of confirmation. Simply put, I wasn't certain that any advances on my part would be welcome, that personal relationships with fellow agents were wise, or whether I really wanted to take such a step with a man who was so clearly wrong for me.  
  
I carefully undid the chain and placed the paper clips back into their holder. I had a temper, a finely honed sense of honor, and a need for complete discipline where it concerned my body. I didn't like weakness. I didn't like foolishness. I could be as wild and as reckless as Maxwell, at times, but I much preferred to plan and execute both my missions and my life with more thought. I hated cats. I hated long hair on a man. I hated snub noses. I most certainly hated crudeness. Why, then, did I find myself attracted to a man who had all of those faults, and more? It wasn't sex, that was easily remedied, it was something more, something far deeper, something so compelling that ignoring it was almost painful.  
  
"Foolishness," I growled under my breath, even as my hand reached out and took one paper clip back. I rubbed it between my fingers and then placed it in my pocket as I went back to work.  
  
+  
  
A mission with Maxwell isn't the terrible thing that one might imagine. When Yuy makes a third, it can be a perfect balance. Yuy has the strength and determination. Maxwell has the brains and the technical know how. I have the fire under a cool steadiness that makes me the leader. Together we rarely fail, and this mission wasn't any exception.  
  
I had learned heavy lessons during the war. I wasn't a hothead, anymore, throwing myself into the path of death with nothing to lose, except a life that I had not cherished then. I was older, now, more concerned with doing my duty with honor and the least loss of life. It was my mission to make certain that my more volatile companions didn't forget that the goal didn't always merit the risks. Pulling them back from blowing a target to the next solar system had ignited my notorious temper, but hadn't made me lose my ability to reason with them and to bring them down from their adrenaline high.  
  
Maxwell was a damned handsome man when he was flushed with excitement. I found myself watching him as Yuy drove us out of our target zone, the crippled ruin of the illegal weapons factory, sending smoke up above the treetops, and our fellow agents taking prisoners. It will sound conceited, but we were an elite force, not expected to stay for mundane clean up duties.  
  
"What?" Duo finally said and I blinked stupidly as he grinned at me.  
  
"You were slow on that last charge deployment," I said, covering my slip.  
  
Duo's grin didn't falter and he gave a small shrug, "Says you. I say it went perfect."  
  
It had, but I didn't admit that. I forced my eyes forward and saw Yuy looking at me thoughtfully in the rear view mirror. He seemed puzzled, but I didn't credit him with realizing my attraction for his partner. His eyes quickly went back to the road after that, but I caught the barest hint of a smile on his face.  
  
So it went. We worked together on occasion, but mostly I was a loner, hearing about their missions second and third hand. Our paths would cross in the commissary, in monthly meetings, or in the hallways, but never on a social level. My attraction to Maxwell seemed an even larger mystery when I took that into consideration. When had I managed to find myself thinking about the man in a more serious way? The greater question was, what did I intend to do about it?  
  
I thought about dinner dates, a friendly meeting where I might reveal how I felt, but that quickly regressed when I considered how very little I knew about Duo, and how very little my attraction appealed to me on many different levels. It almost seemed better to suffer than to think about that live wire in my home, living a life with me, when all I desired was quiet contemplation and harmony.  
  
"Staring again," Duo pointed out with a snicker. "You must be really pissed at me, but..." He considered my expression and then shrugged once again. "You are just weird, Chang. I can't figure you out. If you want to say something, just say it."  
  
"I did say something," I growled growled back and turned to glare out of the car window.  
  
"Yeah, my timing..." Duo chuckled and then scratched at his scalp. "Pull over, Heero. Let's get a room so I can shower and get some sleep. Driving all night would just suck too much."  
  
Heero tensed and I saw him shift uncomfortably, as if he were embarrassed by something. Duo seemed to know what that was. He reached forward and clapped Heero on the shoulder. "I get dibs on the shower first,"he announced, "so I can work off some of my extra juice."  
  
I felt my face turn red, even while I felt angry for his crude manner and my too obvious reaction to it. Adrenalin made a man need release very badly. Duo's implication was clear. It wasn't just a desire to be clean that made him want to stop for the night.  
  
Duo laughed as if he was sharing a joke with himself. I saw Heero's hands work on the steering wheel, probably as disgusted as I was, but he did pull over at the nearest opportunity, into the parking lot of a rather plain motel.  
  
We settled on one room with two beds, though I was left out of that decision. Duo was in the shower, and behind a locked door, before Heero and I had tossed our gear onto one of the beds. He stared at that door with an unreadable expression, winced, and then stretched out on his back on the bed, with our gear at his feet.  
  
"Don't ask," Heero said to the ceiling.  
  
"I...," I stopped, deciding against saying anything, and then sat on the bed that I had intended to claim for my own.  
  
"A mistake... a bad one," Heero clarified. "One that isn't happening ever again."  
  
"I wasn't asking for the details," I snapped, though I could guess well enough what he meant.  
  
"He thinks it's funny," Heero decided to continue. "I just want to forget it."  
  
"I didn't ask, Yuy," I stressed and turned my shoulder to him, hating that tense feeling in my gut and a vivid imagination that was all too willing to paint the scene for me. An adrenaline hyped team, fresh off a mission, and young enough to take what was available.... and regret it later.  
  
"Just so you know," Heero finished, "if he wants the bathroom first, let him have it."  
  
Duo came out again, all too soon, drying himself off and completely naked. Unashamed and relaxed, he began fishing clothes out of a duffel while I tore my eyes away. Yuy rolled off the bed and took the bathroom next, leaving me alone to deal with my embarrassment and... desire.  
  
"Seems to me that you're just a freakin perfectionist," Duo was saying, as if we had never stopped the conversation in the car. He slipped an overlarge, white shirt over his head. I knew that because I could see him in the dresser mirror. My back was turned to him, my eyes riveted on that reflection despite my best efforts not to look.  
  
The shirt hiked as he bent over to pull up a worn pair of jeans. I had a very clear view of a perfect ass and what hung between muscular legs. There was a scar along the backside of his thigh. I tried my best to concentrate on that, wondering how he had come by it. It looked as if it had been caused by a knife blade, but I couldn't imagine a fight that would allow an opening to allow it.  
  
"A job's done, it's done," Duo said as he snapped and zipped up his jeans. He threw himself on the bed, belly down, and legs swinging in the air. His bare feet were large and masculine. I had expected them to be as thin as the rest of him. "You want too much... watchacallit... finesse." He said the word with a smirk and I wondered where he had heard it. His vocabulary was much plainer. Not that it was an indication of his intelligence, on the contrary, but he didn't spend much energy on it.  
  
"You're saying that it's all right to be sloppy?" I managed at last.  
  
I finally rolled over, regaining control over the lower part of me, but still keeping cautiously to my stomach as well. Duo looked like a teenager again. Hair sleek and wet, big shirt draped about long arms, and jeans hugging slim, legs, he seemed ready to study for a final exam than a man who headed up high level missions. I could very easily see Heero falling into the trap, needing and having someone looking like Duo all too willing to take the tumble with him.  
  
"Sloppy?" Duo chewed over that for a moment and then snorted. "If I was sloppy, I'd be dead."  
  
Which was the truth of the matter, but there was another truth as well.  
  
"If you don't care about your timing, about the strength of your charges, about the force of your attack, then people die unnecessarily," I reminded him.  
  
"Just the bad people," he shot back obstinately, as he snagged the phone and began calling what passed for room service in that small hotel.  
  
"Fast food!" Duo shouted at the still closed bathroom door. "That's all they got!"  
  
"Chicken anything, tea, no sugar!" Heero called back.  
  
Duo rolled eyes at me, the phone cradled against his ear. "Salad, chicken, water, right?"  
  
He was right, but I wasn't certain how. I nodded and Duo confirmed that order and added his own. It surprised me again. "Water, and an order of anything you got that isn't fried. Got it? Good"  
  
Duo hung up the phone. When he saw my puzzled look, he shrugged. "My stomach's not the greatest," he explained. "It hates greasy crap."  
  
"How did you know what I wanted?" I asked, needing to know.  
  
Duo snickered. "Body's a temple, right? I didn't think that you'd want anything but clean living food."  
  
Heero came out of the bathroom with a grim expression. Duo flopped onto his back, hands behind his head, and couldn't help grinning as he asked the room in general. "Threesome anyone?"  
  
Heero went red with anger and choked as he began to snarl at Duo, but Duo blocked it by bursting into laughter and pointing at Heero. Heero tried to hold his anger and then suddenly burst out laughing as well. I was disgusted, not able to share in such a crude joke, that smacked of a private thing that had happened between them.  
  
"Sorry, Fei," Duo said suddenly and I blinked at him. He looked serious as he said, "It's just a stupid thing me and Heero did once. I can't help laughing about it. We were young and pretty stupid. I didn't mean to gross you out."  
  
It was an apology, or sorts, but I was finding it hard to accept it. I was struggling with the bite of jealousy and I was realizing that it had more power than my outrage at his crudeness. I could only bow my head and say nothing, but the joking stopped, and the evening turned more tolerable. We ate as companions and then went to bed. It was more understandable when Heero sought to share my bed instead of Duo's, and I felt better about it as well. I didn't want him with Duo, even sharing a bed as a fellow agent.


	2. Back Burner

Returning to our usual routine at Preventer headquarters, it should have been easy to school my mind to other things, to other people who were more suited to me. I dated, as much as I didn't like to. I rather preferred to spend my days either training or doing my work. When I was home, my time was in quiet pursuits; reading or, lately, doing a bit of art. These people that I chose, for their intelligence and their similar interests, seemed an imposition, though, some even more of a disruption than Duo. I couldn't understand why, but I was more than eager to end our brief meetings and to inform them that they didn't suit. I grew used to being called an 'arrogant bastard'. I didn't look on it as arrogance, though. I wanted a partner, a companion that would compliment my life and support my goals and interests. I called myself 'careful' and 'wise'.  
  
"Fei? Redo this damn strap. I think the buckle's going." Duo half turned to me, pulling his braid out of the way. His slim neck dipped down into tight muscle and there was a small mole just along the jugular. He smelled like his leather gun holster, coffee, and onions from his lunch.  
  
I grunted and rose from my desk. My fingers worked at the buckle, touching him despite my effort not to. Even touching him through a Preventer shirt, I felt my gut tighten and my temperature rise. "Going out on an assignment?"  
  
"On my way to a bullshit session with Zechs," Duo replied with a groan. He rolled purple eyes at me. They were sparkling with humor. "That man could put the dead to sleep."  
  
That didn't make sense to me and I raised an eyebrow. His snicker let me know that he had purposely teased me, so I refused to rise to the bait. I stepped back and sat again. He perched on the edge of my desk and looked down at me. He seemed uncomfortable for a moment and then he let out an exasperated breath.  
  
"Okay, I'm just going to ask you." Duo said, as if he were about to face great danger.  
  
"What?" For a moment I worried and then I wondered what my worry was, that he would declare his knowledge that I couldn't control my interest in him? Did I worry that he would tell me that my interest was unwelcome? It was what I wanted, after all, wasn't it? I wanted this fascination for him to end.  
  
Duo rubbed the back of his neck, rolled his eyes up at the ceiling, as if it were easier to look there than at me, and then said, "The rumor is, that your teaming up with Larime next week."  
  
I blinked, staring, my mind trying to shift gears to supply me with the pertinent information. Yes, I was going on a low level mission with Larime. It was easy, almost too easy for someone with my skill, and I hadn't foreseen any difficulties. "That's correct," I managed and then frowned. "Why is this of any interest to you?"  
  
I expected him to tell me something about the mission, or to even say something unflattering about my fellow agent, but Duo rarely does, or says, what anyone expects.  
  
"It's just that you don't have anything going on between now and then," Duo pointed out. "We could... hook up... just for drinks... or tea... whatever you want."  
  
My hands tightened in my lap. My chest tightened as well. For a moment, I found it hard to see. I heard my cool voice answer him, though, as I turned in my chair to hide a reaction I never wanted him to see and that I didn't want to feel; elation, "So that we can make the same mistake that you and Heero made? I'm a little wiser than that, Maxwell."  
  
There was a silence that I could feel at my back. I pretended to shuffle discs and chose one. I loaded it and stared at what appeared on my computer screen. In reality, I wasn't seeing anything at all.  
  
Duo stood and waited, perhaps for me to say more, but more likely for him to regain control enough for what he had to say next, "I heard that you were dating, and that it wasn't going well. People keep calling you an asshole and a bastard, you know? I thought I knew you better, that maybe... Guess I'm not what you're looking for either. I wonder who is?"  
  
When I looked back, he was already striding away, braid swinging behind him and head bowed. It was for the best. It would never work out. He would make me miserable. It would be sex, grief, and fighting to have the peace and order that I craved. He could never live as I did, or appreciate what was important to me. It wasn't only one sided either. I knew only some of the things that he enjoyed, but I knew that I, not only didn't like them, but simply couldn't tolerate them.  
  
He had asked, though. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Duo's angry figure going into the elevator, punching a button furiously, and seeing the doors close. He had seen that I was open to the idea of having a companion and he had come to me, hoping for consideration, as if he had been waiting for just such a sign from me.  
  
It took a few memories of his foul mouth, crude jokes, and imaging him writhing under Heero Yuy, to make me harden my heart and not go after him. He spread his legs for anyone, I told myself, as a fling, a sport, a great joke, and thought nothing about it afterward. Except when I flung it in his face, I thought, except when I pointed out that it had cost him... me. That look on his face, that I could still see in my mind's eye, as he had waited for the elevator doors to close, had been one of grief.

+

I didn't see him after that day. I didn't notice at once, we were often apart, passing only briefly in the hallways. When several weeks went by, and my brain had caught up with what my eyes had been telling me, I actively searched. When I still didn't find any sign of him, yet saw Heero at his usual desk, I couldn't manage not to ask him where his partner was. I wasn't ready for a grimace and a wariness that I wasn't used to seeing in Heero.  
  
"Duo's on leave," Heero told me.  
  
"Leave?" I frowned, growing anxious. "Is he injured?"  
  
"Bad mission," Heero replied and I wondered if a man could use even less words to hold a conversation. I glared, refusing to let it go, until he looked agitated and added, "It was messy. He needs some down time to get his head straight about it."  
  
"Ah, I see." I better understood that. Sometimes, people died in ways that could haunt a man."Give him my good wishes," I told Yuy and he seemed relieved to accept them.  
  
"I will," he replied and went back to his work.  
  
I had business with Une. There were mission details that needed fine tuning and we were still arguing about possible team mates that suited my higher standards. Une was out when I arrived, though, and her secretary had a handful of sealed and coded envelopes for me to take.  
  
"She says that she'll touch base with you tomorrow," the woman told me, looking a little intimidated by my annoyance.  
  
I growled something unflattering under my breath and took my information. When I returned to my desk, I decided that I would take the mission more seriously than Une seemed to be taking it. I was determined to get to work on it at once. I opened the first envelope and loaded the disc. The expected crime scene appeared on my computer screen in detail, but it wasn't of a munitions factory dealing in contraband weapons. It was a men's bathroom stall.  
  
I checked the envelope in frustration and then saw the classified mark. It 's destination had been to records, not my desk. This was something that was to be secretly filed and kept from casual eyes. I suppose it conflicted with honor, but I've always had difficulty controlling my curiosity. I found myself looking over the bathroom stall, trying to determine what sort of crime had taken place there before I scanned the case details at the bottom.  
  
There was blood, handcuffs, and a knife. A condom wrapper was on the floor. A rape? A crude murder... not enough blood for the latter. I settled on rape and wondered about the location of the stall. It seemed clean and not overly scrawled with graffiti. Not a dance club, then, or a bar, or even a rest stop somewhere, I presumed. It seemed familiar and then it hit me with crawling uneasiness when I realized that it was a bathroom in Preventer headquarters.  
  
I reluctantly scrolled down to the case notes and saw a fellow agent pictured prominently as the perpetrator. Ty Rollings. I remembered him around Duo, perhaps seated at a desk near him. He was a very big man with a five o'clock shadow, small eyes, and a very imposing set of arms. He was someone who could easily over power most men.  
  
My computer went blank as a hand turned it off, a very feminine hand. I looked up and saw Une looking down at me over the rim of her glasses. She popped the disc out and slipped it back into it's envelope. "This was giving to you by mistake, agent Chang."  
  
No one could read me when I didn't wish them to. I sniffed and replied, irritably. "I realized that when I saw the scan. I was about to take it out and return it. Please consider retraining your secretary."  
  
The woman can be somewhat frightening when she chooses to. She stared at me as if I were under a microscope, as if she were considering whether to have me eliminated, and then she straightened and said, "This is classified. Take very careful note of that."  
  
"Of course," I replied.  
  
She gave me another long look and then walked away, heels clicking on the hard flooring. A crime on Preventer grounds, I thought, well imagining why Une and the victim would want to keep that fact a secret. Aside from the blow to moral, and confidence in the organization, an agent would find it hard to work in an environment where everyone knew what had happened.  
  
Don't ask my why I was such a fool. Perhaps I had it in my mind that Duo was invulnerable, a skilled agent, a killer ex Gundam pilot like myself. Whatever the reason, I found myself eying my other fellow agents, wondering which one of them had been the victim. My mind was on secretaries, cleaning crew, file clerks, and not on the best of the best. It wasn't until Duo reappeared the next day, that I began to emerge from my self imposed blindness.  
  
He was thin, and pale, his expression tight. He passed me in the hallway and, as I turned to call after him, I noted a parting of hair at the back of his head and several new stitches. My call died in my throat and my blood went cold. He turned to me, instead, gave me a cocky smile, that was as hollow as his next words, and said, "How's it going, Fei?" He didn't wait for a reply, simply turned, and continued to his desk.  
  
I followed, as if drawn by a magnet. I was shaking and my pulse was racing. My brain was in a nightmare, misfiring and tangling thoughts. Heero stood up from his desk, angry and shouting, "Why are you here? You know you're on leave for another month!"  
  
"I don't need it," Duo replied as he plopped down into his own chair and turned on his computer. "So, give me the newest case and shut up about it."  
  
Heero looked tense, not wanting an argument that they obviously couldn't have there. He ran a hand over his face and then asked softly, "Want some coffee?"  
  
"Yeah," Duo replied and then poked at a few disks. "This the case? Looks fun. I'll get to blow some things up. It'll help get out some of my... pent up aggression."  
  
I found myself standing at Duo's desk. He looked up at me as if he couldn't see me properly, or perhaps he didn't want to, intent on the strength that had brought him there. I didn't know what to say, how to admit that I had been such a fool. I wondered at my urge to apologize, as if I could have helped, as if I could have been there to stop it. I wanted to kill that man, the one who had dared touch him. The crime scene was more clear, just then, than Duo, and I wondered if he were seeing it to. I didn't know what to say with that image so prominent. How did I ask something that was classified, that I was never supposed to know to begin with? My loss of words made me desperate, floundering for something meaningful.  
  
"I would like to... go out with you...if you will allow it?"  
  
I was given Duo's sudden sharp focus, surprised out of his inner pain. "What?"  
  
It was hard to realize that the voice that had just asked Duo Maxwell on a date, was my own. Was it a way to apologize? Was it a way to ease my guilt? It seemed utter, self absorbed nonsense. How could I dare to ask a man, who had suffered as he had, to think of such a frivolous thing, with a man who had so soundly rejected him before?  
  
I heard Heero snarl something, but Duo held up a hand to reassure him. He leaned back in his chair, regarding me, trying to figure out motive."What's with you?" Duo asked. "What makes you think I've got time for your shit now?"  
  
I began to leave, murmuring, I'm not sure what, and then knew what was spurring on my need to forget every argument that I had made to push Duo away. It made me stop and say over my shoulder, "I've been a bastard to you, because I didn't understand why I was attracted to you. Now I think that I know." It was his strength, that steel that took him through every mission, no matter how difficult, and brought him back into work despite what had happened there. I couldn't help admiring it, being attracted to it... and him.  
  
"You are such a weirdo," Duo growled.  
  
I turned back, almost forgetting and getting angry, but then reining myself in. "To agree to see you, yes, I must be," I replied, "but it is something that I want to do."  
  
"Okay, but not now," Duo told me, looking suddenly weary. "I need... some time to get back into things here."  
  
I bowed my head, respecting that. Maybe it was more than just knowing what I suddenly wanted in Duo, and maybe it was more than guilt, that had made me blurt my proposal. I had this deep down sense that I had almost lost him, lost him to the foul deed of a fellow agent. The man could have just as easily killed him afterward. It was that sense of near loss that had suddenly made me want him closer, perhaps close enough to ask him what had happened. I wanted that chance, and a chance to comfort him.


	3. Something New

I felt unsure of Duo's mental state. He seemed normal; cracking jokes, speaking crudely, and being the best at what he did, but something wouldn't allow me to believe in it. Could someone suffer such a trauma and not have it affect them? Heero dogged his steps, looking serious and worried, and I found myself wishing that I were the one at his heels. After my request to date him, he never mentioned it, acting as if I had never uttered it. I almost allowed that, almost crawled back into my self imposed isolation and let him do as he pleased. I had wanted to 'be there' for him, but, deep down I was reluctant to share in his horror and even more reluctant to force him to face it.  
  
I found my opportunity, sitting together in an over heated car, as we spied on a warehouse supposedly trafficking in weapons. He was always cold, damn him, and turning the heat on high made him comfortable, while it caused me intense discomfort.  
  
Duo sat, checking his handgun, eye peering down the muzzle and then checking the chambers before replacing the bullets.  
  
"I know," I admitted, dropping that into the sound of click! click! as he readied the gun for firing again. He never paused, simply finished and slipped the weapon back into it's holster under his arm before replying.  
  
"I thought so." He crossed his arms over his chest and peered sideways at me. "You got all weird. You wanted to take me out to talk about it, I figured, so I just forgot you asked. I don't really want to talk about it, okay? I don't remember what happened. Bang! on the head, and then I woke up in a hospital, with Heero trying to tell me what happened. Aside from some stitches, the guy didn't mess me up. So..." He grimaced and shrugged. "He's in jail and I watch my back better now."  
  
I thought about that, telling myself that, yes, it was possible that it was the truth, but there was a tightness to his eyes that I didn't trust. I did honor his request not to discuss it further, though, I felt the need to say, "My request was an honest one, though... badly timed. I have felt... an interest... I would like to explore it further."  
  
Duo grinned. "You make me sound like a disease you think you have. Why are you acting like it's not a good thing? I've noticed you watching me. When you went out with Sally for a bit, and that gal from records, I just figured I was pretty to look at and that you weren't interested in screwing."  
  
I choked and went indignant in an instant. "Why do you have to make everything sexual and crude?"  
  
"Because it usually is," Duo snorted and then stared out of the window, finger picking at the rubber along the window. "I mean, you think my ass is hot and you want it. That's gotta be it, because I sure annoy the hell out of you in every other way."  
  
I really had to wonder what was going on in his head. I felt that emotions were being hidden, strong ones. I could tell by the tension that fairly oozed off of him. He needed me to say something, but I wasn't certain what that could be. It wasn't about sex, surely? He wouldn't want that now?  
  
"After we get done here,"Duo suggested, "We can go back to my place, have a few drinks, and see what the attraction is... okay?"  
  
"No," I replied promptly and he frowned and looked at me fiercely. "I don't operate in that fashion," I explained. "I have a number of people I could 'screw', but I want to... get to know you better... have dinner... conversation..."  
  
Duo gave up on his temper and snickered as he held up a bag of fast food and a half empty cup of coffee. "We had our drinks and dinner... and we just had our conversation."  
  
I grimaced and shook my head. I knew my nostrils were flaring, but I wasn't about to let him turn my intentions into something base. "A date," I insisted. "Dome Pierre's, I think. They have very good wine. Saturday next is open on my schedule."  
  
He was confused now, but chuckling. "Okay, but let's worry about the bad guys first. We've been neglecting our duty."  
  
I felt irritated that he would think that I hadn't been watching that entire time, but when he said softly, "Thanks, Fei," I found myself smiling and glad that I had decided to stop playing the coward with my feelings.

+

Having dinner with Duo Maxwell makes one think of five year olds... bored ones. He fidgeted non stop, made the waiter raise eyebrows by ordering soda, instead of wine, and settled on spaghetti, instead of any of the fine cuisine. We could have gone to any third rate diner for that and I was angry that I was paying far too many credits for it at my five star restaurant. Watching Duo slurp noodles appreciatively, over salt everything, and then turn his nose up at desert, didn't improve the evening.  
  
Irritation makes a bad sauce. I poked at my own dinner and couldn't finish. I chased the sour stomach, and growing headache, with a fine wine and glared as Duo happily sucked soda through a straw. He winked at me at one point and said under his breath, "Don't tell my doc, but I'm not supposed to have these. They eat my stomach. I figure, it's a special occasion, though."  
  
That's when I had to excuse myself just to keep the things on my tongue from being said. I made my excuse in as neutral of a tone as I could manage, "I need to use the restroom. I'll return shortly."  
  
I saw Duo tense, and his eyes... There was a shadow there, yet it was so brief, that I almost doubted it. He leaned back into his seat, in the next moment, smiling again, as he waved a hand dismissively. "Sure."  
  
I wondered if restrooms were a horror to him now, a potential for visions... but then recalled that he had said that he didn't remember. Could a trauma affect you if you didn't recall it? Could it make your eyes reflect fear? Suddenly, my irritation was lost.  
  
I took my time returning, thinking about the evening. I had proven that we were unsuited, our tastes and our personality apposing grits of sandpaper, rubbing together, yet never to be smooth. I could go on with my life, now, and take up the search for my 'Mr. Right' once again. That didn't bring me joy, though, and I only felt my headache grow, joined by a despair that I hardly understood.  
  
When I left the restroom, I found Duo walking towards me, his expression losing some alarm and turning chagrined instead. He stopped and looked at a loss, other diners glancing at him or ignoring him as they ate their meals. He tugged at his black dress coat uncertainly, a thing that looked pulled from any store rack and not tailored to his lean body. It hung on him and made him seem too young, flapping around him as he turned and regained his seat at our table.  
  
I joined him, but he kept his head down, eyes hidden by his bangs. Our bill had come. I pressed my thumb print to the tablet and it paid through my account automatically. I left a hefty tip for a waiter that had shown Duo patience... more patience than I had. "Let's go," I whispered.  
  
He nodded and we left the restaurant. In the darkness by my car, I said over the hood, "You were worried about me?"  
  
Duo nodded, rubbed a hand against the back of his neck, and then forced a chuckle. "Guess I'll always be thinking... but you took your time... It was..."  
  
"It's all right," I assured him, feeling a warmth fill me.  
  
"I had a good time, Fei," Duo told me, wanting the subject turned as much as I did. "Thanks. You're good company."  
  
I thought it was a lie. How many glares had I exchanged for words? I couldn't remember a single conversation after, 'What shall we order?' I felt like an arrogant prick, just then. Duo had only been Duo. What had I expected? What had I wanted to force on him? He was never going to conform to my ideal. If anyone had the right to be irritated, it was Duo. I had wasted his evening.  
  
"I'm sorry," I told him as I opened our doors and slid into the driver's seat.  
  
Duo slid into his seat and said, as he buckled up, "What for?"  
  
"Now you're being kind," I replied with a grimace.  
  
Duo sighed and sank into his seat, slim legs hitched up to give him the room. He suddenly reached over and put a hand in my lap. It shocked me. "You know what you want. You know that's all it is. Your place or mine?"  
  
I couldn't help glancing about the parking lot as I shoved his hand away, but it was dark, and there wasn't anyone walking near. I wasn't ready when he climbed into my lap, facing me. I'm not sure how he managed it. He was pressed tight to my body. The steering wheel had to be digging deeply into his back. His legs were tucked up on either side of me, probably losing their circulation. His crotch had ample room, though, to rub against mine.  
  
"I'm willing, so what the hell's your problem?" Duo hissed in my ear. "You want it in deep. You want to fuck me. You want to have my lips wrap around your dick. You want me to suck for all I'm worth. Use me. Come on. Let's get off. Duo Maxwell fucks everybody, right? So, what's it matter?"  
  
The words weren't his. I knew that without a doubt. I could imagine that someone saying those words to Duo, as he lay helpless and bleeding. I wanted to kill that man.  
  
I gently wrapped my arms around Duo. I leaned my cheek against his heart, and let out a slow breath as I felt the frantic beating there. It told me the truth. It told me what I should do next. I would rot in hell before I would let that evil man make Duo ashamed of who he was. Perhaps he was crude, loudmouthed, and a man to enjoy his sexuality a bit more freely than most, but it didn't make him a whore, an object of contempt, or an object for other men to use as they pleased. It simply made him Duo.  
  
"I think we need to date a few more times," I told Duo as I slid him off of my lap and back into his own seat. He looked flustered and flushed, and I wondered if anyone had ever turned that approach down before. I doubted they had.  
  
"A few more times?" Duo finally echoed, as if he couldn't quite believe that I had said it.  
  
"We must have some common pursuits," I tried, though I was doubting it myself. "I don't think this restaurant was a good idea. I think we should plan our next outing more carefully, with more input from each other."  
  
"Okay," Duo replied, but then was quiet as I turned on the ignition and drove the car out of the parking lot. After a time of staring out at darkened streets, and having street lights flash across his face, he turned to me and laughed.  
  
I blinked at him, wondering.  
  
"It must suck to be you," he said, "I know what I want, but you don't." He snorted a moment later and corrected himself, "Wait, I think it sucks more to be me. I have to wait until you do find out what you want."  
  
"Are you?" I wondered, grasping at that.  
  
"What?" Duo replied, smirking at me.  
  
"Going to wait?" I asked.  
  
Duo put his hands behind his head and stared out of the window again, grinning. "Yeah, I think I will."

+  
  
"This isn't what I had in mind!" I snarled as the wind tore at my words through the open hatch of the airplane.  
  
Duo checked my buckles one more time, tightening the one around my crotch in a way that I knew was meant to make me uncomfortable. One of his damned jokes. "We both like it!" he shouted back.  
  
That was true. Skydiving was a rush I never tired of. As a date, it had much to be desired, though. One couldn't be intimate so far from candles, tea, and soft lighting.  
  
The blare of the jump siren, and the flashing green light, made me snarl again. There wasn't time to loosen my strap. It had all been calculated. Duo grinned at me, saluted a black gloved hand, and jumped backward out of the hatch into a stunning, clear blue sky.  
  
I jumped after him, feeling that I was being strangled at the crotch. I looked down, wanting to calculate my revenge. He was still on his back, still grinning, his arms stretched out to catch the air. I saw his braid slip out of his jacket and whip upwards like the tail of a diving kite. He hadn't tucked it into his helmet as he'd promised. Damned, idiot! I forgot about revenge and began to fear what damage hair like that could do to delicate chute lines.  
  
But... he wasn't an idiot. I glared. He was purposefully goading me to action, teasing me with his danger. Would he grab it before he pulled his chute, or would he let it dangle and whip? He wanted me to guess. He wanted me to sweat. We had our own chutes, specially designed and maintained by us alone. We knew our limits, knew our dangers, and knew how far a person could push things before death became the ultimate end to an action. Maybe he was reminding me of all of this? He wanted to be in control. He didn't want pity or help dealing with his actions. He would decide whether to pull that braid in, or not, and that was a clear announcement that he intended to do that with the rest of his life as well.  
  
I dived after him, making myself a bullet, and he laughed as I caught his hand and pulled him into a tight spiral with me. I smiled at him, pulled him in closer as he started in amazement at my unusual expression, and then made us a tumbling knot as I wrapped legs around him. The ground was dizzying and coming up fast, but I ignored it as I leaned into his helmet, a hand on either side of his face, and kissed him.  
  
Duo's lips were cold from the wind, and hard. It wasn't really pleasurable, not until he opened and let me chase his tongue with mine. Have you seen eagles mate? They are fierce daredevils of the air. We weren't any less. He smelled like windblown grasses from the remote landing strip, some peppermint gum that he had been chewing earlier, and leather from the collar of his jacket.  
  
We broke away when our watches beeped the time, pushing away from each other and staring after, both of us heated and struggling with emotions as we made the required distance and pulled our chutes. Duo hauled in his braid and put it between his teeth as he used his gloved hands to guide his chute. He was choosing to live, for now.  
  
We landed and I loosened my strap as I dumped my chute. He was struggling with his own, fighting a breeze that was making the brown grasses along the old runway, wave and whistle. I could see storm clouds building, dark on the horizon. We were lucky. Sudden winds could kill a man, who's life was depending on a length of silk and lines.  
  
We folded our chutes and bagged them, taking our time and talking about little things. It was companionable, relaxing, the adrenaline rush from the jump itself, making us feel as if we had both had sex.  
  
"This was a good idea," I told Duo finally.  
  
"It was nice," he agreed as we stowed our chutes into his car trunk. He gave me a sideways look as he closed the trunk lid and a smile teased at his lips. "That kiss... that was hot."  
  
I blushed and looked every where but at him, feeling awkward. He sat on his trunk, looking towards the coming storm, breeze stirring his bangs. The plane was landing. It was almost exhilarating, watching it pass over us, to bank, and land, the pilot as much of an expert as we were; a veteran of the war.  
  
"He didn't want to land either," Duo finally said and I realized that the pilot had given us a great deal of time alone.  
  
"I know I didn't," I breathed and he looked at me, serious eyes searching my face.  
  
No foul language, no joking insults, no shouting, and no tension. This was the heart of Duo, I thought, the person under all of those defenses. Did we both have to face death together to bring him out of hiding?  
  
Duo leaned forward and his lips sought mine, soft, tender, as tentative as his true personality. I held still, my eyes closing, letting him have his way, and then letting out a long breath when he withdrew.  
  
"Can this really work?" Duo wanted to know.  
  
"We won't know, unless we try," I replied as I opened my eyes and reached out to pull him off the trunk. Rain began splattering the landscape and we sought refuge in Duo's car.  
  
"Where to next?" he asked and it held more meaning than just a simple question.  
  
"Home, " I told him, keeping to my resolve with a great effort.  
  
Duo grimaced with disappointment, shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and then revved up his engine.  
  
"I want another date, though," I reassured him. "One that's a little quieter."  
  
"To talk," he grunted and then rolled eyes at me. "Fei, there better be a date in the near future, where we'll do more than talk."  
  
I smiled warmly. "I am a man."  
  
Duo laughed. "I noticed." He quieted and then returned my warm smile. "I like when you smile like that."  
  
I sank into my seat with some embarrassment and stared out at the rain as he pulled out of the small airstrip and onto a narrow highway. I didn't need to tell him that the smile was all his, and that no one else had ever seen it. I think he knew.


	4. Masks

"Chang's been good, really," Duo was chuckling at Heero, but then he growled, perhaps not getting the response from Heero that he had wished, "I'm not going to stop my life because of what happened. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to spend my life wishing that I hadn't walked through the men's restroom with my guard down. I'm freakin' not going to go to therapy either, because they'll want me to do all of that!"  
  
"I think you should slow down, that's all," Heero replied. "You've been on a date with Chang every other night this week."  
  
"Jealous?" Duo laughed, but it was edged. I could imagine Yuy blushing and being uncomfortable. "Don't worry ex-lover. He hasn't gone anywhere near as far as you have."  
  
"I'm not-" Heero bit that off, refusing to be sidetracked. "I've talked to the psychologist," he admitted. "I've gone over all of her credentials. She's very good. She said that you were a classic case."  
  
"Classic?" Duo grunted. "If that means, 'like everyone else', then she's wrong right from the start. I've seen it all, Yuy, and seen a lot worse than what happened to me. I firmly keep in mind, 'He could have killed me.', and it makes the rest of the shit seem like nothing."  
  
"But Wu Fei..." Heero began, but Duo cut that off at once.  
  
"He's been... nice... patient," Duo told him. "It's been good."  
  
I decided to stop listening and came into the office. They looked at me then, Duo perched on the edge of his Preventer desk and Heero standing off to one side looking serious.  
  
"Hey," Duo said cheerfully and stood up, hands in pockets and braid swaying. Yuy only sighed darkly and sat down behind his desk.  
  
I wasn't about to romance Duo in front of him. I was a private man. I kept my demeanor professional, but I smiled at Duo and gave him a small nod. I should have known that Duo wasn't going to be satisfied with that. He hooked an arm behind my neck and pulled me in for a small kiss.  
  
I felt hot with embarrassment and must have kept as stiff as a board. Duo pulled back, looked into my eyes, and then let me go. He half turned away and said, "I didn't know that you wanted it all hush hush. I told Heero, but if you don't want anyone else to know, he'll keep quiet." He eyed Heero and added, "If he knows what's good for him."  
  
I glared. "Duo, I wrapped around you and kissed you in freefall, after jumping out of an air plane. I hardly think that demonstrations bother me." I decided to qualify that. "Seemly demonstrations at work are in order, of course."  
  
Duo arched an eyebrow at me and snorted, losing his sudden angry tenseness. I understood, then, that he had made a wrong assumption, one that had involved me being ashamed of being seen with him.  
  
"Ass," I growled and he blinked at me and then laughed.  
  
"Okay, I was being one," he snorted, "but I have a lot of reasons to think it."  
  
It was lost on Heero. He was looking confused, not understanding what we were referring to. He was Duo's friend, but he really did lack a deeper understanding of the man his partner was. I forgave him that lack, because his concern for Duo was genuine. I even forgave him that he had tried to convince Duo that he should 'shelve' any relationship with me for the time being. While it had sounded good on the surface, I at least knew how very fragile Duo's self esteem was. He didn't need to be told how much he had failed, and how he shouldn't pretend not to feel bad about it. He needed, much more, to know that he hadn't lost everyone's respect because of it.  
  
"I came to take you to lunch," I told Duo, but added quickly, "No foot long sandwiches, this time, though."  
  
Duo rolled his eyes. "No Bamboo shoots and greens I can't identify either," he countered."I need red meat in my diet."  
  
"If you go to the cafeteria down the street, you both can get what you want," Heero snapped.  
  
Heero was jealous, I decided, but jealous that I was taking so much of his friend's time. I eyed Duo, he nodded encouragingly, and I asked Heero, "Come with us?"  
  
He had pride, too, and he gave it a bit of thought to save face before he grunted and stood again. "I suppose that I am hungry."  
  
We took the elevator to street level. Duo loosened his Preventer tie and took the lead. Heero said aside to me, "You need to stop eating out so much. It isn't good for Duo's stomach. He won't say it, but he's been carrying around a large bottle of antacid. You can cook?"  
  
"Can Duo?" I wondered.  
  
"A little," Heero replied.  
  
"I am right here," Duo snapped back at us, turning and walking backwards, a small wind picking at his bangs. "If you want to chew someone out, Heero, then do it to me. I was making the decision to eat out, right along with Fei."  
  
"Then you should have said something," I complained unhappily.  
  
"I have an ongoing battle with my stomach," Duo replied. "Sometimes, I don't want it to have it's way, especially when I'm having a good time."  
  
That warmed me. We smiled at each other. Heero looked uncomfortable. Duo turned and walked beside his partner, realizing he was making Heero feel like a third wheel. "So, how's your pursuit of the most wanted woman on Earth and in Space?"  
  
Heero looked sour. "It's always, 'not now'," Heero replied. "She's... selfless."  
  
"Selfish, if you ask me," Duo grumbled. "You'll both be too old if she's waiting for everything to get peaceful. People just aren't geared for it. There's always going to be something for her to run and settle, some squabble, some pinhead aristocrat who thinks he should be in charge..."  
  
"If you ask me," Duo went on, "Noin, or Sally would be a lot better for you... maybe even Une."  
  
"Do you think so?" Heero asked me and I glared back.  
  
"They all have their... charm," I replied neutrally. I had dated them all and found them lacking, before I had decided that it wasn't a woman that I had wanted at all.  
  
Duo didn't seem bothered by my past. He had enough of his own. We had decided not to trade tales. I didn't like the barb from Heero, and felt as if he were accusing me of not being truthful with Duo. I suppose that I was just being sensitive, but I didn't want Duo disturbed in anyway, especially not by fighting with his friend.  
  
"Down, Heero," Duo told Heero with a dig into Heero's ribs. "We both know each other's stats, so stop doing the big brother thing and let me be the adult here, okay?"  
  
Heero looked apologetic. "I'm sorry. I just can't imagine the two of you-"  
  
"And I can't imagine you with Relena," I countered before he could voice my own doubts, my own confusion about my attraction to a man who really was so very different from me.  
  
"Sometimes, opposites work," Duo interjected, but then shrugged and grinned. "If it don't, it don't, but me and Fei are giving it a shot, Heero. So, let's all shut up, and get food."  
  
It didn't go too badly after that and I found myself, actually, dealing better with Yuy than we did on assignment, or in the office. The man had a definite switch when he wasn't working. He was relaxed, smiling a bit even, and more like a human being. I understood his friendship with Duo better, then, and then wondered if I were the same way. Was I different around Duo, when I was away from my well ordered life and job? It was something to consider, especially as an answer to our perplexing ability to actually have a relationship despite everything.  
  
Once in the diner, Duo avoided ordering anything fried, settling for a simple chicken sandwich with a side of greens, and he drank water with his meal. Heero ate the basic four food groups and seemed content to mix them up into one food before eating them. I contemplated my turkey club sandwich and tried not to notice the stares.  
  
Three of the most notorious men on Earth or in space, couldn't sit in a diner without attracting stares. I suppose it was Heero, more than Duo or I. His face had been plastered all over the vids after he had risked his life to save Earth. The media never seemed to tire of running documentaries and commentary about every aspect of his life. I doubted that the man could take a piss without a camera man capturing it on vid. The mental image made me snort in amusement. My companions looked at me, confused as to which one of them I was laughing at.  
  
"I was thinking about our notoriety," I told them and they both relaxed, as if they had been ready for a pointed barb from me. It made me think about something entirely different, about our relationship up until then. I suppose that I had not been the friendliest man.  
  
"You learn to ignore them," Heero replied with a shrug.  
  
Duo glanced around us and looked uneasy. "I hate them," he growled. "If they knew..." He stopped that, too aware of listening devices that could pick up a heartbeat, let alone a dark secret inadvertently let slip.  
  
"They never will," I assured him with conviction. Une would see to that. The man who had committed the crime would spend a very long time in a secret prison, where he would be warned that bragging about his crime on his release, might possible cause his unlamented death at the hands of Shinigami.  
  
Duo looked troubled and then I saw him 'clamp down' mentally. He put his emotions, memories, and whatever the incident had spawned within him, into an inner box and closed it tight. I could see the danger in that, the consequences of someone accidentally opening that mental box. Heero was right. Duo needed to see a professional. Despite his assurances, he wasn't dealing with what had happened to him at all.  
  
My own inner emotions were divided. They saw the trouble ahead, saw how difficult having someone like Duo in my life would be. I had searched for someone to complement me. I had wanted a perfect companion who wouldn't disrupt my career, who shared my likes and dislikes, and who would give me peace in my home life. Duo was none of those things and I doubted that he ever would be. My life with him confronted me at that moment, as crystal clear as if I owned some clairvoyance. It was unsullied by emotions and sexual attractions. It was cold and clinical. I saw arguments, emotional upheavals, mental unstableness, long years of recovery, of supporting and caring for Duo, of putting my career, my personal pursuit of perfection, behind me.  
  
"Hey?" Duo said and I realized that they were both watching me, Heero with a dark, understanding look of irritation, and Duo with concern.  
  
"Sandwich not to your liking?" Heero asked and I knew that he wasn't talking about my sandwich at all.  
  
"You should send it back to the kitchen," Duo told me and, when I looked up into his eyes, I realized that he wasn't talking about my sandwich either. How perceptive of them both. I really didn't give them enough credit for intelligence. It was another facet of my personal arrogance.  
  
"I am an arrogant, self centered, bastard, aren't I?" I heard my voice say and then blinked as I smiled at my own self judgment.  
  
"Uhm, yes," Duo snickered. "But that can make you fun to be around, you know?"  
  
I snorted, hurting and perplexed. "How?"  
  
Duo grinned. "Makes it easier to play jokes on you and get you pissed off. Loads of fun for all."  
  
Heero looked confused and then he managed a tight smile at my expense. He turned those dark blue eyes on me once more, waiting for me to choose, wondering if he would be spending longer than his lunch hour consoling Duo.  
  
I reached over the table and took Duo's hand; broad, blunt fingers, calluses, and a few small cuts from what, I wasn't sure. That contact, and his uncertain smile, made my concerns and my life goals small and inconsequential. Was that healthy? Was it a bad thing that I would later regret, letting my heart over rule my head? I didn't know. I didn't want to know. I blinded myself to my view of the future. It was too cold, too unemotional. It didn't understand that that life had it's own fulfillment if the one you shared it with was someone deeply cared about.  
  
"I think we just made the evening news," Duo told me in a stage whisper and winked.  
  
I felt a deep, hot flush, realizing my indiscretion. I glanced around us and saw curious faces. I steeled myself and glared at them until they looked away. I was a private man, I didn't want to be the subject on everyone's nightly news cast, but I wouldn't allow them to make me think that my life was a shameful thing, either.  
  
"What we have is honorable," I told Duo firmly and saw him almost 'glow' with relief and affection for me. It made me resolute in my decision and it made my flush of embarrassment turn into a warmth in my heart.  
  
Heero made an uncomfortable cough and then said with a more genuine smile, "At least I'll be out of the news for awhile."  
  
+  
  
Dinner was at my place. Duo expressed doubt that he could 'pull off' anything that would please me, so I volunteered to attempt it. I could make small meals; rice, pork, and steamed vegetables mainly.I wasn't sure that such a limited menu was suitable, but I was as worried as Yuy about Duo's stomach, and the effect our constant take out meals were having on it.  
  
Duo appeared at my door so close to the appointed time, that I was almost certain that he had been waiting outside my door, staring at his watch. The curious stare of a neighbor supported that feeling as I let him in and took his coat.  
  
"Smells good," Duo said as he settled on my couch.  
  
"It's nearly done," I assured him, and then nervously, "I hope it's to your liking."  
  
Duo grinned at me and stretched out. "I'm sure it will be."  
  
I felt odd as I went into the kitchen to finish cooking. I tried to pin down the feeling, analyzing it like any good agent as I plated the sticky rice and poured the pork stew into a large bowl at its center. Placing colorful, steamed vegetables around the outer rim, the design was distinctly flower shaped. Pleasing to the eye and, hopefully, pleasing to the stomach as well.  
  
Of course, I decided at last, I was feeling committed. I had brought Duo into the sanctuary of my home and had cooked him a meal. Something inside of me was acknowledging that I had something else planned as well, something that included inviting Duo into the bedroom.Unconsciously, I had chosen the course of my life, a life at Duo's side.  
  
My choice presumed a great deal, of course. It was sheer arrogance. There was a probability that Duo had not chosen me, that he had, instead, decided on friendship, at the very least. Certainly, we hadn't gone further than kissing, though that had been my decision, not his. Still, he hadn't made any attempts, lately, to transgress on that decision.It made me nervous, knowing that I was going to be the one to offer and face a possible rejection. I have never dealt with failure well, but I was determined to stay honorable and calm this time.I would have what I could of Duo Maxwell, even if it was only friendship.  
  
"Did you see the Net news?" Duo wondered.  
  
I grimaced as I decided on chilled spring water for drinks. "Yes," I replied, remembering our restaurant hand holding caught on someone's palmtop, and replayed over and over again on a variety page.  
  
"Mad?"The question was loaded.I wasn't ready for emotional confrontations before dinner, though. I neatly sidestepped by bringing the food platter to the low coffee table, since my small place didn't contain a dinning room table, and centering it before Duo. He looked surprised, and then hungry. "This looks good."  
  
"I hope it is," I replied and then went to get our drinks. I tried for a bland answer to his earlier question."I'm not angry about our actions, simply angry at a media who finds such things worthy of news."  
  
"People are bored," Duo said dismissively. "They'll do anything to get a little pizzazz in their lives."  
  
I laughed lightly as I set out the drinks and then sat down beside him. Bowls and utensils were already present. Duo stared at everything expectantly and then served himself when I gave an encouraging nod.I waited for his first bite, before serving myself. He made pleased sounds around his mouthful of stewed pork and rice.  
  
Some tension left me then, but not all. The meal was the least of my challenges that night. I had to consider my next actions carefully. I was dealing with a man who had faced a brutal rape. I had every intention of asking that man to allow me to have sex with him.The potential for failure was high.  
  
"Something wrong?" Duo asked after a swallow of water.  
  
"I'm glad that you're enjoying the meal," I hedged.  
  
Duo blinked and then looked suspicious. "Is that why you're sizing me up like a crime scene corpse?"  
  
I felt a chill. "What? I wasn't! I was merely concerned..." That wasn't what I had wanted to say, but he had startled it from me.  
  
"Concerned?" Duo repeated and then snorted. "I have a touchy stomach, Fei, but I'm not going to hurl your dinner."  
  
"No!" I bit down on frustration. "I..."  
  
"Trying to think of a way to let me down easy, then?" Duo wondered and then shrugged as he filled his bowl with more food."It's okay. I knew it was coming. It's nice that I get a good meal with my 'Dear John'."  
  
"Duo Maxwell!" My temper startled him and he sat, poised with a spoonful of food halfway to his mouth, and eyes rolled sideways at me. "That isn't it at all, so shut up and eat."  
  
He chuckled, relaxed, and began eating again.  
  
The meal passed pleasantly, at least on the surface, but we both knew that something was going to be said afterward. I felt annoyed at myself for not being able to say it clearly, then, but I needed the time to gather my thoughts, and my courage.  
  
I cleared the table, Duo murmuring in contentment about how well I cooked, and looking almost like a sleepy, sated, cat. I could see the excuse miles away. He would beg weariness and leave, everything unsaid.  
  
I settled on the couch again, steeled for rejection. My body echoed my mental tension, sitting ramrod straight, face like stone, and shoulders squared. Duo looked ready to deliver the excuse, but I forestalled him, reaching out and taking his hand.  
  
"I wish to make suit for your continued companionship," I said formally.  
  
Duo looked confused. "We're friends, Fei," he replied. "That's not going away any time soon."  
  
He didn't understand and I was being an idiot. I tried again. "I would like to request..." I swallowed, gripped his hand hard, and borrowed some of his simple brashness. "I want you to move in, Duo. I want you to be a part of my life."  
  
He looked shocked and then clamped down on emotion. He replied, as if suggesting a military exercise, "I don't think you know what you want. I think you just want in my pants so bad, it's screwed with your head. Let's fuck, and then, after, you can rethink the whole moving in business."  
  
I went white, I was sure of it. My hand tightened on his until he winced. "I will never 'fuck' you," I retorted, shocked at my own crudeness, at the harsh certainty of my tone. "That's not what I feel for you."  
  
It made him angry and I wasn't prepared as he jerked his hand away and stood, snatching up his coat. He looked wild as he shouted at me, "What makes you so special? Everybody fucks Duo Maxwell! Can't you get it up? Is that why you won't take your turn? What do I have to do, suck you hard and spread my legs on the floor to get you going? Or maybe you're into bathrooms and handcuffs, too? That is what got this all started, right? You seeing good old 'fuck me' Maxwell getting it on in the Preventer john."  
  
He was crying and turning towards the door to hide it. My world turned upside down as my heart clenched. Why hadn't I realized that my constant rejection of sex was making him feel just as used as his rape? I had been rejecting him, a man who was sensual and enjoyed being with others. I had been confirming his impression that he wasn't good enough for me, that he was marked by his rape, and that I didn't want what his rapist had discarded after the act. A man had told him that he was a whore, and that he deserved what had happened to him. I had been the ultimate snob, the final confirmation of those words.  
  
I left the couch and caught him by the jacket, anchoring him to my life. I pulled him toward me and embraced him. He fought briefly and then relaxed against me suddenly, sniffling and hot with shame.  
  
"You are my world, now," I told him. "I simply don't wish to show you disrespect, to push when you aren't ready."  
  
Duo looked up into my eyes. His were red and watery. "I am ready. I... please?"  
  
That he should beg me... I held him tighter and replied, "I cherish you. I have always wanted you. All of you."  
  
Duo took hold of my shirt with both hands and gave me a small shake as he said firmly, "Then let's fuck."  
  
He pulled me into the bedroom and I laughed at myself. Duo was loud, crude, and the bravest man I have ever known. If I couldn't accept that, then we didn't have any business being together. He was heat personified; sensual and open about his feelings and needs. An attack on his body hadn't changed that. I was the one who had been making him doubt himself.  
  
"So," I said as we discarded clothes and stretched out on my bed. "Was Yuy any good?"  
  
Duo grinned at me as I smoothed hands over his tightly muscled body. "Things are always good when it's hot and heavy," he replied with a snicker. "The laugh factor was a lot better, though. I'll be able to use it on him for the rest of our lives."  
  
I chuckled and kissed his skin. We had needed a moment to lighten the mood. I think he knew it. Now, we turned more serious.  
  
Duo Maxwell was hot, handsome, and very good in bed. When I sank my heat into him, and he opened his legs to me, it was far from submission. We rode each other, a powerful rhythm, giving and taking with equal abandon. It was everything that I had hoped for, and all my fears laid to rest. Fear had no place with us, or the shadow of an attack in a Preventer restroom.That was Duo, strong to the core, and always looking forward, forgetting consequences and past mistakes.It could make him an infuriating man, as well, but that was something, I knew, I could live with.  
  
Tangled in the sheets afterward, I kissed him and then whispered my vows against his lips. He accepted with a smile and then rolled me over onto my back, kissing me and making his own. Nothing is perfect, and there would be days of anger and frustration, but, I knew, they would be small price to pay for having Duo in my life.  
  
 END


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